I'd given up on Ubuntu entirely, even going so far as to disconnect its hard drive, when an idea hit me. 6 command line inputs and a restart later and I was looking at the shiny new Dapper interface.
If you have no idea what I just said, good. I've only further proved my obvious superiority (or lack thereof. It's all relative baybeh).
On another note entirely, cinnamon Icees are the ultimate paradox and I'm surprised they haven't yet torn the fabric of the universe. Easily the most bizzarre drink ever.